Which programming language should I learn first?

To program in an expressive and powerful language: Python

To get a website up quickly: PHP

To mingle with programmers who call themselves “rockstars”: Ruby.

To really learn to program: C.

To achieve enlightenment: Scheme.

To feel depressed: SQL

To drop a chromosome: Microsoft Visual Basic

To get a guaranteed, mediocre, but well paying job writing financial applications in a cubicle under fluorescent lights: Java.

To do the same thing with certifications and letters after your name: C#

To achieve a magical sense of childlike wonder that you have a hard time differentiating from megalomania: Objective C